We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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