K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
