Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
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I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
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I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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