I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
It's never too late to be topless.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.