I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
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She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
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Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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