I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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