can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
