im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
