I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
