The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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