I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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