the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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