We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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