When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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