It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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