just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
