I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
