I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
