can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
