they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
