After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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