My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Watching her eat just hurts me
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize