Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
She's the barista slut.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
What drink are we having for lunch?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!