Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"