I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
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The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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