I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
