They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
