Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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