Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
