it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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