i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
