Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
