Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
