i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
