They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
