my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
