i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
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You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
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Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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