roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
