Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
