i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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