You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
