two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Randomize
