I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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