On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
