note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
