Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
