Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
