it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
