End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
