He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
