Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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