Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
