After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
