Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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