Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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