You're my little dorito
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
