She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
