please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
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