It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
