did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
she told me i tasted like america
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
