D3 body, D1 cock
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
