wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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