I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
